hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
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Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
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And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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