wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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