I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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