I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
