I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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