Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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