Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
