Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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