Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
