Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
