What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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