When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
