She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
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Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
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Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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