Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
