i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
