ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
