Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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