I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
