He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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