i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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