So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week