Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
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You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
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He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I don't know what to do about my nipple.