Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
