he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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