There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
