the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
