He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
