I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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