If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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