i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
