sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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