Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Randomize
