dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
