A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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