I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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