you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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