Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
