I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
