Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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