Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
