Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
