This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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