She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
