It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
