Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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