Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
