Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
