chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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