Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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