you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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