batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
