wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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