i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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