It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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