yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
