it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Randomize
