I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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