I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
