I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I supernannyed him into submission
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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