we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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