Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
